Welcome
Thanks for visiting out site. Here is our inaugural post. These are quotes compiled from 2004 through the present. As more quotes are compiled, they will be added in future posts.
The quotes are from people in our newsroom, as well as things we've heard outside of work.
“I don’t know when he’ll be back. I don’t know when he works. I just work here; I don’t know nothing. Me don’t knows. Try another newspaper or something.”
“I will be pulling a red wagon.”
“There is a comma crisis!”
“I don’t care what Scooter says; I like my wife.”
“Oh! There’s one left. Hallelujah!”
“I’m the captain. I’m the managing captain.”
“Then the government will go ‘oooh, uh, uh, we’ll start doing electrical parts.’”
“Used cars cost more than new cars. All right, I’ll give you a holla.”
“I want to open my own business. Like sell bongs ... tattoos ...”
“We’re not business whores. We’re dignified.”
“I just keep lapping myself.”
“They’re very pimpy, aren’t they?”
“Kid’s got a pretty good swing it looks to me like.”
“They frou-froued it up. That’s my new word.”
“I’m serious. This is my serious face right here.”
“It should be National Night Out against crackheads.”
“I swear, everyone in the world is turning into assholes who don’t know how to punctuate.”
“FEMA off!”
“What’s with the national anthem? It’s way overdone.”
“I’ve always wondered what it would be like to drive a bus.”
“Was it brown and golden?”
“I thought it can’t be a good thing that I’m peeing rocks.”
“Girl, I got it in Kinder for $11.”
“I had to buy a whole coat.”
“You can walk down the road and visit the neighbor’s house who has a donkey, a miniature horse and a pig, and visit with them, and that’s it for that area.”
“He could hear an ant pissing on cotton.”
“He is so loyal to cups.”
“I’d cheat on my wife before my barber.”
“This is the key to my success. Get a personal trainer.”
“How ‘bout that Iraq?”
“Personally, I am thinking about cremation.”
“I’m waiting for Miss Louisiana to come out of the bathroom.”
“You’re stomach is probably so much smarter than you think.”
“He was talking about his banana.”
“You could have a chicken with Gene Hackman’s face -- now, that would be funny.”
“I didn’t know there were so many things you could do with rice.”
“I’ve been having headaches consistently since 2000.”
“It’s the sickengly sweet smell of death.”
“I never collected Barbies.”
“They were just buying vegetables.”
Lamenting the fate of the people who were mowed down in the farmer’s market accident.
“I see him walking the streets and I think, ‘I should just run him over.’”
“I’ve been trying to incorporate Yiddish into my everyday conversation.”
“The Mardi Gras cookoff article will be given to you tomorrow, so says some lady.”
phone message
“It’s a good thing I sold those light sabers.”
“I hate a yellow eye.”
“He is so cute, I want to go kill somebody.”
in reference to a baby squirrel.
“I like the class; it’s just so much typing.”
about typing class
“We’ve never had such hussies in the house.”
Nun said to two girls who were dressed in formal wear.
“He’s so cute, I could suck his brains out through his nostrils,”
about a squirrel pet.
“See, I have a gun. It’s about this big. It’s cute.”
“Why must the IRS have so much to say?”
About a 4-page IRS news release about scams.
“I’m stupid and I’m forgetful. Remember that.”
“You paid for that ring tone?!”
“I hate people.”
“I pity the fool who trusts anyone 100 percent.”
“I really thought she was a tree stump.”
About someone's friend in a pic.
“He wants pictures of things that don’t exist anymore. It’s like saying, ‘Get a picture of the Pilgrims landing at Plymouth Rock.’”
“I’ve never had a turtle pee on me.”
“”I don’t want to go to lunch someplace nice.”
“That’s the first and last time we’ll probably ever hear Brett say the word ‘pimp’”
“I’m sorry I wasn’t there for the flames.”
photograher, regretting she missed getting a pic of a house actually on fire.
“God doesn’t want you to play with snakes.”
about Dateline show on religious fanatics who use snakes in their worship.
“That woman would talk until her dentures dried up and fell out.”
“I’m thinking of changing my name to Jamie America or Jamie Pondstocking.”
“Your desk is like purgatory.”
In reference to the air conditioner blowing and the heater going at Laura's desk.
“So far, in the past two days, I’ve seen two women who look like men going through sex changes.”
“The aroma is divine.”
about homemade chocolate chip cookies.
“That’s one of the things that keeps me out of prison — besides people cracking their gum.”
“Anything with a ‘Wal’ in its name means bad lighting.”
about horrific flourescent lighting.
“Brad is all about going down Broad Street.”
“I never said I was mentally sane.”
“You’re almost dead.”
about someone's normal body temperature is 96 degrees.
“I can’t stand myself.”
“I’m not a big fan of caricatures.”
“You’re the Marilyn Munster in your family.”
about someone being the black sheep/normal person in her family.
“Is crackhead one word or two?”
“We’re the Starbucks generation.”
“I’ve moved away from all that crotch confining stuff.”
“You’d be surprised when you’re down, just add a little blush to your cheeks and it will perk you right up.”
followed by:
“I hate to tell you this, but you have been rather chipper since the blush went on.”
“For a dictator, he’s very charming.”
about Hugo Chavez, president of Venzuela.
“No telling what’s in my hair.”
re: testing hair would reveal remnants from ‘90s partying.
“I’d like to learn Arabic.”
“Does anyone know anything about this Harry Potter guy?”
“My, don’t we look quite busty!”
“I yelled once.”
“I love Cameron.”
“I think I read somewhere that you shouldn’t bathe your chemical burns in feces.”
about gasoline burns and the E-911 building.
“Has anyone been to Wal-Mart?”
“God has nothing to do with black mold.”
“Need a quarter or anything before I go?”
“I’m going home to vacuum — because I can.”
happy to have electricity after the hurricane.
“It’s the state to be killed in.”
about La.
“I’ve eaten enough already.”
saying why they didn’t need a food stamp card.
“If you think I’m wiping off my clean body with some lizard towel, you’re nuts.”
about finding a dead lizard in the dryer with clean towels.
“Curry is a dangerous thing for many people.”
“I cry at cartoons more than I do at the real stuff.”
“That’s some crazy ravioli.”
about a can of ravioli with 500 calories in it.
“Man, all my friends have become Marines.”
“Can we use the word ‘jack ass’ in the paper?”
“I said it — hugest, hugest!”
“I can’t get into the girls’ boxes.”
“I have neutered. It makes it 8 inches.”
talking about some copy for a page
“Any time I see a penis in a movie, that’s way too close to gay porn.”
“Is Country Club a guy?”
After finding out Nelson Road was named after a person.
“That’s an awful lot of information about that guy’s jerky.”
about a cutline
“The Cowgirls would fit perfectly in that hole.”
“I think that any country that ends in ‘stan’ is a country I don’t want to go to.”
“I’m so sick of charity crap. Could people quit being nice?”
“All my Harley shirts and wifebeaters were dirty.”
responding to why he was wearing a light blue button down.
2006
“Interstates have never done anything for me.”
“Those advertising people -- all they talk about is craft shows and Wal-Mart.”
“Hi — go swim.”
to office fish
“I thought someone had to be dead for there to be a dedication.”
“I’m your ketchup girl.”
“Boo hoo. Milk burns.”
“I’m sorry I’m not going to work, but I can’t be bothered with it.”
“There’s no way they would just crawl up a chair, huh?”
after a mouse was on her desk
“Damn, we lost Japan in curling.”
“You can take those things right off and open a bottle of champagne.”
about corkscrew-shaped earrings
“I got a lot of drilling to do tonight.”
“I smell White-Out over here.”
“Man, my pinky is so weak.”
“I ain’t got time to be using all my fingers.”
about keyboarding skills.
“Why was the 50 foot woman so big?”
“I saw ‘Honey I Shrunk the Kids.’ It wasn’t very good.”
“I really don’t care. I was just being polite.”
a response to a question that the someone couldn’t remember the answer to.
“I’m not comfortable hugging that bear,” Valentine’s Day, when told he had to hug a big ass teddy bear. “I won’t bow to peer pressure.”
followed by:
“I’m going to drop kick that bear.”
“I wish I had a milk man.”
bored that she had to go buy milk.
“I hate when I wear too much eye make-up.”
“This cold air in here doesn’t help me needing to pee every five minutes.”
bladder boo boo
“You’re having a bad hand day.”
“The day Wal-Mart starts selling insurance, look out.”
“I’m sick of everybody, really.”
“That break was good, but it interrupted my flow.”
“Where’s Gerrrr-stnerrrr Memorial? Oh, you mean Martin Luther King? They have five names for a road!”
“They’re having orgasms over Barbies out there.”
“Do you have gas?”
asking about new name for Entex gas company
“Who uses fax machines? That’s so ‘90s.”
“I don’t know why I’m so tired. It must be my liquid eyeliner.”
Laura
“Only an Elton John impersonator could get me in a skirt.”
“All I did was walk up and ask if I could take their picture and next thing I know, we were talking about boobs and fertility,”
“We’re having a wine emergency.”
referring to the lack of wine at our table.
“I can drop it like it’s hot/”
“I could be a Bea Arthur impersonator.”
“Would you like to live on Mars? Talk about never getting to see your family.”
“I’m so putting it on ‘My Space.’”
“I still have some wine in my purse.”
“Can we have a moonshine party? I’m curious about moonshine.”
“We drank a free meal earlier.”
to waitress who asked if she wanted something to eat.
“I feel like I’m in Deliverance.”
“I think that cricket suspiciously sounds like a rooster.”
“I was inspired by your Jazz hands.”
“It’s like I was playing ‘Legend of Zelda.’”
about driving in Houston.
“If you vomit, then the room doesn’t spin.”
“I’ve heard all I want to hear in my lifetime.”
Re: Wants her eardrums removed
“I’m going to start living my life agai.,”
Jamie, re: doing exciting things again.
“I regret not puking in the river.”
airsickness in a helicopter
“Thank you, Teddy.”
clasping her hands together (as in prayer) and looking Heavenward to thank Teddy Roosevelt for not shooting a bear cub.
“I hate modern technology.”
bitter about her cell phone ringing.
“If there’s a match involved, I’m not interested.”
“There’s no way I’d tell anyone I had a flesh-eating bacteria on my crotch.”
about a man who really has it.
“I have beautiful lettuce now.”
“I just put my finger in my nose, oh my God.”
“I love mockingbirds because they make so many sounds.”
stating the obvious.
“I’m not in the mood to Swiffer.”
about not wanting to clean.
“I almost changed my name to 15.63 one time.”
“My whole life is a lie!”
after reading an article saying that dark circles are not caused by lack of sleep, but heredity.
“You wouldn’t happen to have a microscope, would you?”
“I’ve only gotten two tickets in my life — and one of them was a DUI.”
“I’m not really Country.”
“They eat rice and that’s all I need to know.”
about people from China.
“I saw a bird hopping on one leg today.”
“I am gonna buy a thousand; I’m going to buy at least five.”
re: hurricane book.
“Except for the gunfire, it’s pretty quiet out there.”
“One day I got chicken wings.”
“If you’re ever feeling bad about your looks, just take a look around you at Wal-Mart.”
“There’s a lot of trailers over there.”
re: new FEMA trailer park.
“I hate people. People suck!”
“He’s one step away from parachute pants.”
“You can’t control your appendix,”
“Back when I was in school, we used to chisel dirty pictures into rock.”
when talking about the cell phone ban in high schools, where students were taking dirty pictures of each other with their cell phones.
“I was suppose to bring rice dressing, but you know what? So.”
“I’m going to talk like Yoda right now.”
“I hate talking to my mom when she’s driving the bus.”
“Let’s see what else. I saw something about a camel.”
about the movies he saw recently. Editor’s note: the movie’s name is “The Story of the Weeping Camel.”
“F--- a diet coke,”
“Y’all must have had pee trauma when y’all were younger.”
“Crawfish season’s over. There’s no more crawfish. You want Top Ramen?”
Overheard at KC and the Sunshine Band Concert:
“If Donna Summer would come, oh my God, I would die.”
On sign at Wagon Wheel:
“Big Meat Wednesday”
“They’re big on reproduction showers.”
talking about office parties
“I smoked some chicken.”
“Who’s Greg Kinnear?”
“It’s way better than Hollister.”
“You can get it cheaper if you go to the veterinarian.”
about someone getting their teeth cleaned.
“This is my head; it’s not a cup.”
little boy when his mom was washing cups
“Come on, Miss Sherry, get into the 21st century.”
about someone not knowing about instant messaging.
“I hate Halloween.”
in June
“Look at us, eatin’ cheese and meetin’ Air Supply.”
“They need to bust out the Z Cavs.”
“Are they kickin’ Siegfried and Roy?”
about Air Supply
“Aren’t ALL leotards unitards?”
“It’s not everyday that you get hit with an arm rest.”
Fireman
“Jesus could come down to this earth and she’d probably complain....”
“Give me that stuff (duster), I’ll give it a good blow job.”
about cleaning his keyboard.
“Peer pressure? Pffft... I got old-man grumpy.”
“I was in tonsil stone-getting out heaven.”
“I have the moon in my throat.”
craters in tonsils
“She’s just the messenger and I’m like ‘No, I don’t care, go away.’”
“I know Starbursts and I know Now and Laters. I know my candy.”
“This computer has a gumbo drive... combo drive.”
“It can be our suck bag.”
“I’m not tech guy. I don’t make 60 bucks an hour like you.”
followed by:
“I don’t make 60 bucks an hour like me.”
“The water smells like B.O.”
“It sucks to be Gail.”
Written on the back of a T-shirt worn by Ron
“I don’t know where I am most of the time.”
“It’s the biggest seller of the paper and I’m glad.. but geez, jiminy cricket!”
“I didn’t see Pokeo.”
“I wish we had a Valium lick.”
“Some of these vitamins smell like dead fish. They smell like road kill.”
“You’d have to read up on all of that stuff and I don’t want to go there.”
“I don’t understand computers. They’re really pissy.”
